


The day the rain just wouldn't stop

by MT_LostSoul



Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fake Marriage, Heavy Angst, Marriage, Mental Health Issues, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:08:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25039009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MT_LostSoul/pseuds/MT_LostSoul
Summary: Cordelia Carstairs-Herondale  can't help but feel like her entire world has been turned upside down.Her family, weren't quite the ideal family she had once thought they were, her father sullen, her brother distant and her mother... well she was still the same sadly. And then there was James, the love of her life and her new husband. Which sounded a lot simpler than saying the love of her life, her fake husband and the reason she was losing the will to live these days.
Relationships: Cordelia Carstairs/James Herondale
Comments: 20
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

Cordelia Carstairs-Herondale trudged home in the rain, absently watching the raindrops cascade of a nearby shop front, she sighed and tried to control the building heaviness in her chest. She’d spent the day at her old home, with her parents and it had been, well, it had been odd. 

Ever since Alastair had told her about Elias and his drinking problem, nothing had quite felt stable anymore. Not that it ever had been, she guessed, but now it was glaringly unstable. Her parents had also decided to drop the pretence of being a happy little family. Her father was sullen these days, not showing much interest in anyone else. And all of a sudden her hero had abandoned her.

Sona and Elias had been arguing - she could tell as the dinner mainly consisted of icy stares between them and her father drinking far too much “water” as the hours passed. Nothing bad had happened but it was just not good either.

It was weird this new atmosphere, she felt like a stranger and her family felt just so foreign. There were a few moments where she’d caught Alastair's eye and almost asked him to go and sit with her in her old bedroom. For a hug. Some sort of comfort and normality but even he had kept his distance as of late.

Sona had interrupted the silence to ask only about James and gush over the fact that her daughter had been the one to lock such a prestigious young man down. And truly, an awkward family dinner in silence would have been preferable to an awkward family dinner talking about how great James was.

She already knew how great of a human he was, she knew far too well and those thoughts haunted her every second of every day. It was the normal things that she’d found herself falling so in love with. Breakfast, while his hair was messy and his face was so unguarded - entirely open for her to read all of his emotions. It was the moments where they caught each other off guard with a joke or secret and she felt like he almost really looked at her. It was watching him go to bed on the sofa because unfortunately this Herondale had a strict sense of decency.

It was falling further and further in love with someone who would never love her back. This little fantasy was breaking her bit by bit. But it’s not like she could just go home right? Even if they broke it off.. home wasn’t really home anymore. Just like Cordelia didn’t really feel like Cordelia anymore.

So she slowly made her way back to their apartment, preparing herself for another evening of James being unfairly beautiful, funny and kind. I mean it would have helped if he was just a little less polite to her all the damn time.

The moment she opened the door she knew something was wrong. There was a jacket on the landing that was not hers, it was not Lucies either - white with silver fur. Nope, she only knew one person who owned such items and as she turned the corner into their living room - she understood what it fully felt like for her heart to shatter into so many pieces, she’d never be able to find them all. 

There was James, her James, beautiful James, sat back on the sofa, and on top him the stunning Grace Blackthorn kissing him with intensity. One of his hands wrapped around her waist, the other, still bearing his wedding ring was entangled in her hair. Grace’s dress had ridden up to her thighs and James' dark blue shirt was unbuttoned. The same shirt, she’d picked out for him this morning she realised darkly.

And thus her husband was cruelly reminding her that he was not really her husband at all.

It took them a second to realise she was there, and she saw the horror dawn on his face as he froze entirely. Grace gave her a pitiful look but before either of them could say a word - Cordelia had turned around and exited the apartment, she ran down the stairs in fear that James would come after her. That he would try to talk to her.

One rule, she’d only asked one thing from him and he hadn’t even been able to do that.

She sprinted down the streets, not paying much attention to where she was going, only that she was going far far away. The rain was still trickling down, mingling in with the tears now spilling down her face. Bitterly she thought that the skies might as well open up fully and join her in her breakdown.

And then a horrible thought snaked into her mind, one which she tried to push back down with all her might - there was nowhere that felt safe, nowhere that felt warm.

There was nowhere in this entire world where she quite belonged.. Her family felt lost to her, Lucie was her Lucie but she was also James’ and their parents would ask far too many questions if Cordelia turned up like this. Mathew was a good friend but he was also James’. Everyone and everything in her life belonged to James except for her. 

She did not belong to him

So Cordelia Carstairs-Herondale sat down on the kerb and decided to stop feeling anything.


	2. And all of London cried for the girl with the shattered heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the tale as old as time; a young girl, full of life and beauty.  
> A boy with dazzling good looks and an undeniable charm.  
> One heart full and the other, broken.  
> And so we all mourn the part of the heart that dies with it's first love.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been sitting there, watching the rain fall onto the cobbled streets. Numb from the mental exhaustion the day had taken. 

So Cordelia only heard the footsteps behind her when they had gotten too close. Her shadowhunter instincts screamed at her to be alert, ready to fight but Cortana remained unsheathed. The dominant part of her, kind of hoped it was a demon, maybe if the world outside was at as much disarray as the one in her head, maybe then things would make sense again.

Maybe James would feel bad if she’d gotten herself injured, or maybe he wouldn’t care at all, she thought bitterly.

“Cordelia, darling are you okay?” a familiar, deep, male voice spoke behind her.

A gentle hand on her shoulder and then a person came into view. Dark hair, high cheekbones and a kind smile. For a second, still in her blur she started to panic but it was not James. No, crouched in front of her, looking incredibly worried was Will Herondale.

“Cordelia, can you hear me? Are you okay?! You’re as cold as ice, how long have you been sitting out here?” Will spoke, the concern in his voice getting more intense as he shrugged off his jacket to drape around her shoulders.

She tried, she really tried to speak. To tell him she was fine, really. To leave her sitting on the sidewalk but the jacket was so nice and warm and Will Herondale looked at her with such kindness. Kindness her own father hadn’t looked at her with, for such a long time.

So she did something that would mortify her for years to come.

Cordelia Carstairs-Herondale burst into an awfully loud, ungraceful sobs. The tears rushed down her cheeks and she could barely breathe as the heaviness she’d been pushing down all evening sprung loose. To his credit, Will only looked awkwardly around for a second before pulling Cordelia into a tight, fatherly hug. 

And so they both remained on the pavement, Cordelia leaning into Will, purging herself of tears as the sun set over the horizon and London plunged into darkness.

\-------------------------------------------

As a clock in the distance chimed loudly, it took a second for Cordelia to realise where she was, one of the spare rooms in the institute. 

After Will had let her cry for an embarrassing amount of time, he’d asked whether she wanted to talk about it - to which she shook her head no. He then asked if she wanted him to fetch James, to which she burst into more tears and thus Will did not mention him again. 

He’d brought Cordelia back to a quiet institute where she presumed everyone was already asleep. He’d turned on his father mode, fetched her some warm clothes, ordered her to take a warm bath and returned after some time with a hot chocolate.They’d both sat in silence as the first rays of sunlight broke and drank the hot chocolates in peace. He’d only left when he was certain that Cordelia had been all cried out and would indeed sleep.

Cordelia’s heart tightened even now at the thought of the sheer kindness that Will Herondale had shown her, the lack of judgement and the space he had given her without even trying to pry. Never, in her whole life had she met someone who looked like they could kill you with their bare hands, but was really the gentlest human on earth. 

Tessa, Lucie and James were indeed a lucky bunch.

James. She guessed she couldn’t not think about James for any longer. She would have to face him and what he had done now.

In hindsight, the pain was very real for her but her reaction might have been a little unfair to him. Yes, he’d promised to remain faithful to her while married. But they were both fully aware that their marriage was a sham, and she’d already known that he loved Grace. It might actually have been a little cruel of her to tell him to stay away from his true love. Would she have been able to do it if someone had asked it of her? Well someone had to actually love her back for her to ever find out.

That was the horrible thing about love, you couldn’t expect someone you loved to love you back. People could not be held responsible for the feelings you felt, even if they hurt more than you could bear. James had every right not to love Cordelia back, because love was not something any of them could control. 

It wasn’t really James’ fault that this heaviness had taken a home in her chest, or that she could barely look in the mirror without wishing she was someone different. No, that was all on her for loving someone she shouldn’t have loved.

The only way to survive this marriage Cordelia decided was to detach herself entirely.

She’d not done herself any favours, allowing those moments of pretence and ease with James to make her feel light and full. In reality, she’d allowed herself to spiral a little bit, and fall more and more in love with him without sparing any thought to how much more this would all hurt when it was over. Her self-protection instincts had long since vanished and they really needed to come back already.

Cordelia would have to be strict with herself and not allow any more moments which her mind could misconstrue into something it definitely wasn’t. That wasn’t fair to herself and it most certainly was not fair to put that on James.

It was time to lock her heart away until it became a little bit more stable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love and kind comments!! I'll try keep updating this every few days.


	3. “Hearts are made to be broken" ― Oscar Wilde

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James Herondale realised in that moment that there was not a being in the whole universe - no human, demon or in between that he hated more than himself.

James stared at the back of the door, waiting for it to open. To hear footsteps, whispers, something. Anything. The deafening silence was painful at this point.

The evening had been a blur that had left him with an awful feeling - like a fist clamping around his throat, making it hard to breathe. He wasn’t really sure of anything right now, least of all himself. He’d been excited to spend the evening with Daisy and just talk about things. Talking to her never felt like something he had to think about, it was easy and warm. Being around her was a refuge from the stormy world outside. 

So why had he just firebombed that refuge?

He’d been so caught up in his thoughts about Daisy that evening that he had barely heard the knock on the door. And then there was Grace, beautiful Grace. The minute he’d seen her it was like all sense had left him, James presumed that’s what love did to you. 

Because a James who was in all of his senses would never do what he had done. A James who was thinking straight would not have broken the only vow his wife had asked from him, irregardless of whether the marriage was a sham or not.

Just remembering the look on Daisy's face was enough to make the anger start swelling up, the absolute rage he’d been feeling all evening… at himself. How could he be such an idiot? She’d looked entirely heartbroken. Those gorgeous dark eyes, that look would haunt him for the rest of his days.

On any other occasion James would have found the person who’d caused Daisy to look like that and beat the absolute life out of them. But being the person who’d done that to her? He was going to be sick again.

He’d tried to run after her, to find her. He’d ran through most of the streets in London, but he didn’t dare go to her parents house. What would they think? They’d entrusted their daughter to him and he’d let them all down so badly.  
So James watched the door and waited for his wife to come, because she had to come back right?

James decided that he didn’t like being in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have time for a proper chapter today so we get a sad James (I promise it's not all angst and sadness)

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a fanfic in many years and I have an idea of where this story is going so if anyone wants me to continue let me know and make this into a proper fic


End file.
